


Run Away from Yourself

by bictory



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 14:14:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2776019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bictory/pseuds/bictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>You try to run away, run away from the world, but then you run away, run away from yourself (Amor Fati by Epik High)</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run Away from Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted at my [DW](http://bictory.dreamwidth.org/6005.html)

It’s all too much. Everything’s too much. The weight of everything he’s trying to carry is just too much and Hanbin can’t even think straight anymore.

He needs to get away, escape somewhere far away, where nobody can find him and he can hear himself. The weight of all his teammates on his shoulders, the failure upon failure upon failure on Show Me the Money because he didn’t sleep at all perfecting his rap, the pressure of producing, writing, endlessly.

It doesn’t end, he can’t let it end. So he runs.

He wants to go to Busan, but he doesn’t know how. He ends up hopping on a taxi, asking the taxi to take him as far as the few bills he brought would take him. He tries not to feel too guilty. It’s not like he’s running forever, he’ll be back.

For a moment, the thought of Yunhyeong calling his phone frantically only to reach his voicemail, over and over, flashes through Hanbin’s head. He wonders if he should let Yunhyeong, or anybody, know.

He doesn’t, and his phone remains in his pocket, turned off. If he had a way to get back, he’d abandon it entirely. Jiwon and Jinhwan will probably take over and lead their own teams, and he trusts Yunhyeong to take charge while he’s gone. He’ll make it up when he gets back.

As Hanbin stares out the window at the blurry scenery flying past, he feels all the clutter being swept away. There are so many things he has to do, but he doesn’t have to do them now. There is only one thing he wants to do. He fiddles with the pen in his sweats pocket as he slowly shuts the world out to retreat into his mind. He hopes some of his old self is still there.

He doesn’t really have a destination when he gets off the taxi. He wanders until he finds an empty park bench, where he can sit and watch the setting sun for a bit. Hanbin doesn’t let himself cry for his own sake, but as he just sits, the sunset is beautiful enough to make his throat tighten and the area right behind his nose ache with welled up tears.

He takes a few deep breaths, inhale, inhale, inhale until he can hold no more, then a sigh, until the feeling passes. The world moves around him, but for a moment, just the briefest of moments, he is still.

Then he takes out a beat up notepad from his pocket, and the pen, puts in his earphones, and writes.

All the pain, all the frustration, all the exhaustion leaks from his brain through his fingers onto the paper. They aren’t even lyrics yet, just words waiting to be polished, but as he writes under the darkening sky, he feels it. He feels the redemption that is waiting for him beyond those words, that the sun is going to rise again tomorrow. He feels hope. He feels it like the bridge of a song tying everything together to tumble into the resolution. It makes him want to laugh.

He doesn’t laugh, but he smiles slightly to himself, and he keeps writing.

He writes, crosses out lines and rewrites, and writes more, until it’s too straining to see the ink on the paper and his fingers go numb from the cold. He writes until he is ready to face the world again. When the chilly fall air gets too distracting, he finally pulls out his phone.

He knows a lot of time has passed but he has no idea how much when he turns on his phone. As he waits for the staff to answer the phone, he wonders if he’s going to be yelled at, but he’s not. He’s greeted with nothing but concern and relief.

How should he face them when he sees them? Would any of them be angry? He allows himself to think of all the worries he ran away from earlier. It’s time to face them again with renewed energy. Before everything else, the faces of his team members come to his mind. He decides that the first thing he’s going to do is buy the kids ice cream. They’ve also been working hard and deserve a break.

Hanbin has a smile on his face when the staff finally arrive to pick him up. It’s a bashful, apologetic smile, but also a relieved one. Nobody’s angry at him. He had thought that if he or the team ever dropped the ball, he as leader should be the one to receive all the punishment for dropping it, but now he knows that sometimes the punishment is self-inflicted.

The writer noona and camera crew fuss over him in the car, and they even pay for the ice cream he buys as an apology for his team. Hanbin reassures them that he’s fine throughout the trip, and he makes sure to apologize to them properly once. He sits in contemplative silence the rest of the times, the words he came up with during his short escape still bouncing around in his head.

*

When he gets back, the first place he visits is his practice room, the one he, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo have been using. He knows Yunhyeong would be the most worried about his disappearance, so he wants to put those worries to rest sooner rather than later.

When he opens the practice room door, and Yunhyeong greets him with the largest smile of relief, he can’t help but smile back sheepishly. “I was late cause I was bringing back ice cream,” he says, holding out his bag with uncertainty.

“You punk,” Yunhyeong says, and Hanbin doesn’t miss the way it catches. Yunhyeong takes an ice cream anyway. “Take those to the others, they’ll want to see your dumbass face.”

The others welcome him back just as warmly, throwing themselves on him and putting him in headlocks.

_You know we’re here for you. Rely on us a bit more. You don’t have to do everything yourself._

Those words aren’t said aloud, but Hanbin can feel those sentiments coming from the touch of the others. He’d needed to run away from the noise for a little bit, but now that his mind is a little clearer, he knows beyond shadow of a doubt this is where he belongs.

This is home.  



End file.
